Modelland

AUTHOR: Ms. America’s Next Top Model herself, Tyra Banks
PUBLISHED: 2011
GENRE: Young Adult/Fantasy
Oh. My. God, y’all.

What. The. (BEEEEP).

Modelland is the brain child of Tyra Banks, who for the last 15 years has hosted America’s Next Top Model, which, despite its title, has yet to produce a model of any note. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love me some ANTM, largely in part to it being a visible record of Tyra Banks’ descent into megalomania. The nice, normal supermodel from Season 1 has been slowly replaced by a jumpsuit-wearing dictator with a penchant for random accents and made-up words. It’s damn fine TV.1

But now… now we have Modelland, and suddenly it’s not so fun anymore. It’s like being inside the head of a mad woman, people. A mad women. It’s not so much she’s living in a fantasy world – lots of authors have created detailed fantasy worlds: Tolkin, Rowling, Martin. It’s the particulars of this one that make it so harrowing.

First things first. Our protagonist, who we first meet as she lays in the middle of a school hallway, spraying whipped cream into her mouth.2 May I introduce to you… Tookie de la Crème.

Tookie de la Crème.

Tookie – or as she refers to herself in her secret journal, “Forgetta Girl” – is, as her self-appointed nickname would indicate, utterly forgettable, so unremarkable that no one even notices her laying in the middle of the hallway, even as classes are let out. Tookie leads us to our first problem: the utter ridiculousness of the names in this thing. Tookie is joined in her family by her sister, Myrracle, and her mother – wait for it – Creamy de la Crème. (Her given name, mind you, is Creamaletta. Obviously.) They live in Metopia, which borders on such other towns as Bou-Big-Tique Nation3, SansColor4, and Striptown5. Later on, we’ll met Zarpessa Zarionneaux and Ci˜L6, and on and on. The names are so bad it's laughable. Except not funny.

Tookie, and the rest of this world, are waiting for the Day of Discovery. On this day, scouts come down from the heavens - or rather, Modelland - to pick the prettiest of girls to become bellas, or students of Modelland's school. To get picked, girls cat-walk for their lives. Their chances increase exponentially if they managed to find the special medallion known as a SMIZE.7 Tookie has no hope, because her eyes are two different colors and she had a really big forehead. But Tookie's beautiful sister Myrracle has a SMIZE, and is ready to be chosen when a scout - GASP - chooses Tookie instead!

On the way, the scout picks up 3 more off-beat girls, who immediately find themselves completely out of place in Modelland, where everyone is perfect. Classes in walking, facial expressions, and eating replace history, math, and science. Instead of a graduation ceremony, fourth year bellas then compete to become one of the 7 Intoxibellas. These girls each have a special power - flight, multiplication (the power to clone oneself, not do basic math), seduction. They use these powers to get people to buy stuff and to set fashion trends. The greatest of these Intoxibellas is the aforementioned Ci˜L, who possesses all 7 powers but has gone AWOL. 

Does this seem like a lot of information? This leads us to the next problem: there is so much crap in this novel. So much. Everything - clothes, food, architecture - gets a lengthy description. There's the Man Attack, where the boys of Bestosterone raid Modelland and challenge them to battle.8 There's the Pilgrim Plague, where those who are not chosen try to climb to Modelland, always dying in the process.9 There's the kaleidoscopic clock, because in Modelland, time is told by colors, not numbers.10 There's the Catwalk Corridor, where naughty bellas are turned into felines, and the Fashion Emergency Department, where the nurses are called purses and the doctors have roller skates for feet, and the Diabolical Divide, where bad, bad bellas go to burn. And this is just the tip of the iceberg, people. There is so much more, and 99% of it is completely unnecessary.

Problem #3 dove tales into #2: the plot lines weave in and out and around in circles and into dead ends that are dropped as soon as they're raised. Rules are set and then cast aside as soon as they become inconvenient. The few plot points that get solved are dragged out so far that by the time they're solved, no one cares. Tookie's father may not be her father! (But he is.) Tookie wants to escape with her best friend Lizzie, who is a self-mutilating paranoid who lives in a tree11 but ends up in Modelland instead, so too bad for poor crazy Lizzie. Tookie overhears Ci˜L plotting evil death and decides Ci˜L is evil! But now she's good! Now's she's evil! Now she's the daughter of the crazy homeless man who lives in Tookie's town?12 

This is just a little taste of it all, people. I didn't talk about the ZapZips or the near executions or the many languages spoken by the various peoples (including Gowdee'an, Tres Jolie, and, strangest of all, Oktooberfestian). I didn't talk about Class President Theophilus Lovelaces or Bellissima the doll or Nurse Dresstookill. It's storytelling the way a child does it: include all and anything, and cover up any inconsistencies with something else (or just ignore them and keep moving forward). This is a young adult novel, but still. That's no excuse for word vomit.

It's like Banks opened up the top of her head and dumped it everything in there all over the table. But that's why she has an editor. Unfortunately, he or she was either too star-struck or too overwhelmed to cut this thing down. So instead we got this glimpse into the mind of a supermodel. All I can say is, I'll never look at ANTM the same way again.

LENGTH: 576 pages
MAINSTREAM OR NOT: Yeah, kind of.
SO, SHOULD I READ IT OR NOT?: It's way too bizarre to be subject to any sort of normal criteria.  You'll have to judge for yourself on this one.  If you do... just gird your loins, people.  It's a crazy ride.

1But that's a matter for another day and another blog post. Or a dissertation.
2What? The girl likes whipped cream.
3Where the black people live. I don’t mean to get all racial here, but Banks forced my hand, what with all the “ooooh, girl!” and “oh, no, she didn’t!” and finger snapping and big booties that don’t show up elsewhere.
4Where the albinos live. She says that flat out.
5Where the strippers live, I’m assuming. She’s a little vaguer about that one.
6So named, according to her mother, because it sounds like "see love". Um, no. It sounds like si-waveything-el.
7For those who don't watch ANTM, "smize" is a verb invented by Tyra meaning "to smile with one's eyes". Tyra claims she made her career by smizing in photos. That, and strutting around with her ta-tas out.
8An event that involves balancing on diving boards and exploding make-up balls.
9Until Banks needs them to live, in which case they make it up the mountain just fine.
10For examples, Tookie's runway class ("Run-a-way Intensive") is at Kelly green, sharp.
11No, really. She lives in a tree like a squirrel.
12Did I mention that she's also a beat poet who randomly spits mad rhymes?