Miss Manner's Guide to Not Acting the Fool: Lesson Two

The question to ask oneself before indulging in gossip is not so much "is it true?" or "is there any useful reason for repeating it?"... but "is this likely to come around again and hit me in the face?"

Were truer words ever written?

There is nary a subject that Miss Manners does not address. 

There is the issue of the family newspaper, about which Miss Manners directs, newspapers and magazines may not be mutilated until everyone in the house has had a reasonable chance to see them, which is a sentiment my father has been advocating for years (albeit often shortened to, "don't bend my book").

On the subject of house sitting, Miss Manners offers this advice: under no circumstances should a house sitter confront a house owner with information gleaned from the house owner's diary, which I love because it comes with the automatic assumption that you would read someone else's diary.

Regarding visiting the sick, Miss Manners warns that it is considered improper to bring anything that the doctor has declared likely to help kill the patient, which seems obvious but is often not heeded.  To be clear, Miss Manners includes the following examples of what not to bring: Champagne, oil for massages, and a liverwurst sandwich.

Miss Manners makes it clear that a lady never burps.  However, should one sneak out, you must treat the burp as if it were a socially acceptable cough.  My husband would tell you that there was no way in hell one of my burps could be confused for a cough, but there you go.

Probably the best letter so far was one in which a reader gave a lengthy and ornate description of a nice young lady who happen to spend the night with a nice young man she didn't really know, who left afterwards and with whom she had not conversed since.  Miss Manners replies with the following:

Dear Reader:
The social event to which you refer is, Miss Manners believes, known as a one-night stand... You are confusing it with a different social tradition called courtship.

I find this so amusing because Miss Manners doesn't condemn one-night stands.  (Not that she participates in them, mind you.  Miss Manners ain't no ho.)  She just insists that they be called what they are, instead of "extracurricular activities" or "a nice first date".

There are times when Miss Manners is startling, shockingly direct.  In response to a letter from a reader who could not understand why people kept asking her about the time she was mugged, Miss Manners offers this succinct response:

Dear Reader:

Because they are dying to know if you were raped.  Do not tell them.

To which the only dignified response is, "WHAAAAA?"  But Miss Manners is an expert on human nature, and she is most likely correct.

So next, we venture into the world of weddings and marriage.  By this time next week, I'll know more about wedding invitations that I ever thought possible!