Miss Manners' Guide to Not Acting the Fool: Lesson 1

TITLE: Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated)
AUTHOR: Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners
PUBLISHED: 1979 (most recently revised in 2005)
GENRE: Etiquette


We're going to do something a little different from this book, because there is too much awesomeness here for only one entry.  (It's also 826 pages.  That's a lot of info.)  Some of you may be surprised I would be at all interested in Miss Manners, as I am prone to slouching, cursing, belching, and all sorts of other un-mannerly habits.*  I am, however, a big fan of people treating each other fairly, and that, more than proper usage of fish forks, is what etiquette is about. After all, mocking someone for a social mistake is just as rude as a profanity in church.  And while we may not all need to know the formal way of eating a banana (strip peel entirely away, cut into slices, and eat with a fork, in case you're wondering), Lord knows we can all do with a little more civility.


Another thing that may come as a surprise to people is that being mannerly and being snarky are not mutually exclusive, which is good, because snarkiness is one of my favorite of God's creations.  Miss Manners takes snarking to a higher level.  Behold:


Dear Miss Manners:
What am I supposed to say when I am introduced to a homosexual "couple"?
Gentle Reader:
"How do you do?"


HA.  Also:


Miss Manners:
What is the correct way to eat saltwater taffy?
Gentle Reader:
With the mouth closed.  Actually, that is the way to eat all food, but taffy is the only food capable of enforcing the rule.


Miss Manners also offers a shocking amount of highly practical information, such as how to exit the subway (those getting off exit first) and how to say no to solicitors, co-workers, and anyone else requesting something you are not willing to provide (say, "No, thank you" and don't explain why).  She offers suggestions for those situations where you just know the only thing you can do is suck it up:


Dear Miss Manners:
What is the proper etiquette on a crowded bus?  If a little old lady with a pointy umbrella hits me in the shins first, may I kick back?
Gentle Reader:
It is rare, nowadays, to have a deep-seated, well-motivated sensual urge that you are forbidden even to gratify.  However, Miss Manners must tell you that kicking little old ladies in the shins is one of them.  Scream "Ow!" and stare at her with a frightened expression.


It may not be as satisfying as kicking back, but a lot better than just taking it.  She even helps those who do not speak English as a first language, or those who do but just not very well.  Here, a sampling from her glossary of conventional phrases: 


"Let's have lunch": Among social acquaintances, this means, "if you have nothing to do on a day I have nothing to do, unlikely as that is, let's get together."
"We must see more of each other": It means, "this was surprisingly enjoyable, but it's still going to happen infrequently."


Also:


"Good day", an extremely useful expression, is less often employed.  With the proper tone, perhaps expanded to "I wish you a good day, sir," it means "Get out of my sight this instance" in the language of irreproachable manners.


So it is with all this in mind that we launch ourselves, primly and properly, into the world of Miss Manners.  I do hope you enjoy yourselves, and a good day to you all!


*As anyone who has watched a Met game with me knows.  Especially if they're playing the Phillies, when my good-hearted calls of "get of the field, you whiny bleeep" get replaced with something less friendly.  And if Chipper Jones is involved... well, it's probably better you just leave the room.