Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey: Fifty Shades Darker, or, Fifty Shades of Grey: Fifty Percent More Stalking!, or, Fifty Shades of Grey: What the Hell Am I Doing Here Again?

AUTHOR: E.L. James
PUBLISHED: 2012
GENRE: Fiction

I don't know how I've ended up back in this place. It was a place to which I never intended to return, and yet...yet...

After the horror that was the first Fifty Shades book, I swore off the rest of the series. These people - characters and author alike - were obviously unhinged, and not in a fun way, or even a so-bad-its-almost-good way.1 But there were the next two books were on the shelf, Vintage having spit them out so fast behind the first that they might as well have published it as one giant orgy, and I couldn't help but think, I wonder what kind of crap she managed to shove in there this time. My curiousity beat out my logic center (remember the awful plot?  The awful characters?  The awful writing???) and the next thing I knew, I was reading it.

And let me tell you.  For sheer what-the-(beep)-itude, it did not disappoint.

Last time we left our intrepid sex monkeys, Ana had left Christian and his red room of pain behind, unable to be his submissive.2 When the second book picks up, it's only a few days later, and Ana is already noticably withering away, what with the unstoppable crying and all. But she's determined to soldier on without him, until... until... he emails her asking if she needs a ride to her friend's art show.  Which leads us to...

PROBLEM NO. 1 - INSANE CHOICES. This is how Christian decides to worm his way back into her life - "hey, you need a lift"? And she says yes! Because you know, she's a grown-up. She can handle it. She hasn't eaten in three days and can barely function because her soul yearns for him, but riding with him does mean she doesn't have to take the bus. That really sounds like a solid choice.  Her inner goddess agrees!3

Of course, it takes but a proximity of 3 blocks and a smoldering look and the two of them are all over each other like two sheep during mating season. She misses him! He misses her! There's lots of murmuring and lip-biting and sighing and before we know it they're back in bed. But once the sex is over, old problems rear their heads, namely:

PROBLEM NO. 2 - THAT'S NOT LOVE, THAT'S STALKING. Their post-coital bliss is ruined when Christian insists on honoring the ridiculous check he gave her for her old car, going so far as to call up her bank with her banking account number and depositing the money himself. Because he stole her banking account number. And the kicker? He has no idea why she's mad about it. The man completely hacked her life, complying a dossier on her that's so specific it practically details when she poops. He gifts her a car, a computer, an I-Pad, and a blackberry, and proceeds to use them to document her every move. Because that's what boyfriends do, isn't it? That's not weird at all, is it? No, it's criminal. It's called stalking. And Ana gets furious about it! For five seconds! Which leads us to...

PROBLEM NO. 3 - IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET MAD, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, OR DON'T BOTHER! These two infuriate each other on a regular basis. This is the worst thing they could ever do, damn it! And then two pages later they're back to the sexcapades and the overwrought don't you know how much you mean to me??? histrionics. It's like an episode of one of those MTV teenage dating shows where you spend the whole time feeling superior and tsking, what a douche, to no one in particular, except with whips and chains and severe, severe child abuse.

And:

PROBLEM NO. 4 - WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED BY THIS, AGAIN? How could he violate her privacy like that! How could she go get her own lunch like that! Except... as intensely irritating as it is, that's exactly what he would do, and exactly how she would act. So what in the hell are they so surprised about? Have they learned nothing from the whopping week and a half this torrid love affair has been going on? How many times can they act completely in character and yet be SHOCKED! A lot, apparently. 544 pages worth.

On the other hand...

PROBLEM NO. 5 - SHE REALLY IS A BAD LISTENER. Ana works as an assistant at a publishing house and thus, had plenty of time all day long to spend emailing dirty things to her boyfriend.  Christian - in a rare few pages of sanity - begs her repeatedly to not email him from her company email, but rather from her blackberry.  Not so he can track her - he's doing that anyway - but because, as I'm sure many of us have realized the hard way, emailing private stuff on your work email is not a good idea.  Especially dirty private stuff.  And yet, for some untold reason, she refuses to stop emailing from her work account and gets them both in a buttload of trouble.  Enough trouble to set up a whole other book, apparently!  Seriously?  The work email-private stuff thing is pretty common knowledge!4  When you can make the stalker boyfriend look like the rational one... that's an accomplishment, let me tell you. 

But love acts in strange ways. So strange, in fact, that Christian is willing to give up the scene to be with Ana.. Which means happily ever after, right? RIGHT?

PROBLEM NO. 6 - SOMEBODY NEEDS A DALE CARNEGIE SEMINAR OR SOMETHING. These people have the worst self-confidence, like, ever. They profess their feelings for each other incessantly and yet are forever on the edge of falling apart because one that doesn't feel they deserve the other, or one can't possibly fulfil the needs of the other. Does it occur to no one that perhaps, just maybe, someone needs to take a step back? Maybe breathe a little bit? And stop overreacting about everything?

Another relationship issue they might want to address:

PROBLEM NO. 7 - SEX, WHEE! INNER GODDESSES, GIGGLE! MASSIVE CHILDHOOD TRAUMA... WHOO? Christian is a mysterious one, we all know. We learned in the first book that he had a really bad childhood.  We learn in the second book just how bad: his mom was a crack whore with a crazy pimp who regularly wailed on both of them.  When he finally beats the mother to death, the guy leaves her body - and poor terrified little Christian - in the apartment.  Where no one finds them for 4 days.  So it's understandable that the guy has issues.  But things go completely off the rails when he reveals to Ana that not only is his lifestyle his only way of dealing with all this but that he picks brunettes for his subs because they remind him of his dead, crack whore mother.  And Ana's just fine with this!  So happy is she to have been let into his inner world, she ignores the fact that this guy - who has already displayed some pretty intense stalker-control freak tendencies, who refuses to form real relationships, who refuses to be touched! - has just admitted that when he humiliates and dominates his sexual partners he's really trying to punish his dead, crack whore mother.   But no warning signs there!  No, not at all!  Her stupid freaking inner goddess is too busy doing triple sow cows to notice that maybe, just maybe, this guy needs a little more intensive therapy than he's getting.  (Or, even better, to think about her role in this insane relationship.) But who cares!  Let's just continue with our oppressive, hyper-emotional, if-you-leave-me-I'll-kill-myself fueled relationship!  And have more sex!

In the meantime, there's a crazy ex-sub girlfriend on the loose, a creeper boss trying to feel Ana up at every turn5, Christian's adoptive family - who thinks Ana is just the loveliest thing ever, isn't it so nice to see Christian happy - and the omnipresent Mrs. Robinson6, together with all that constant, high-strung emotion, and you just feel exhausted by the time it's all over. 

So it begs the obvious question: having read - and been horrified - by the first one, why in the hell did I read this one?

Because, as much as I hate to admit it, James hit upon something.  People who like the books would say it's that untapped market of housewives who still want to be sexy, darn it.  People who hate the books but read them anyway (I'm assuming there are others and it's not just me) would say that that the unbidden response it provokes - whether that be ooooh, baby! or are you (beeeeeeeeeeeping) serious??? - is too much to be resisted.  It didn't take a brain surgeon to know that Ana and Christian would get back together - and I, for one, just couldn't bear to miss the complete train wreck that was sure to follow.  I'm not proud of it.  But I think I've suffered enough for my sins, thankyouverymuch.  I read the book, after all. 

LENGTH: 544 Pages
MAINSTREAM OR NOT: Do I really need to answer that?
SO, SHOULD I READ IT OR NOT?: Do I really need to answer that?

1Not even in a Tyra Banks, why-do-I-kind-of-feel-worried-for-her way.

2Despite having been more than adequately warned about it all - you might remember the 15 pages of contracts from the first books.

3Oh, her FREAKING inner goddess.  James apparently studied up on ice staking techniques for this book, because whenever Ana accomplishes some sexual feat, her inner goddess does a sow cow or an axle or whatever.  It's beyond ridiculous.
4Then again, we must remember that in the first book, Christian gifted her with that most rare creature, available only to the richest and most powerful: the email address.  GAH.  Why do I do this to myself?

5 Christian automatically assumes the guy's a creeper, and of course, because you're either boring or a sex pervert in these books, he is.  So Christian uses his millions to buy the publishing house where Ana works and get his IT guys to monitor her every email and his security guys, her every move, and, eventually, to get the guy fired.  Because that's just what loving boyfriends do! 
6Who appeared in the first book as the woman who introduced Christian to the lifestyle.  When he was 15.  And she was like, 35.  Interestingly, this is the only time Ana seems to register a red flag, namely, that 35-year-old women shouldn't be having bondage sex with emotionally-damaged 15-year-old boys

No comments:

Post a Comment